Bruno Šimleša Bruno Šimleša - službene stranice

From Loveology (2011) -
You Are Your Sole Soulmate

Although I never thought there was any likelihood of my mentioning Tom Cruise in one of my books, a statement of truly epic proportions by one of his on screen characters has made it inevitable. I believe most women remember that crucial moment in `Jerry Maguire` when – after talking to Cuba Gooding Jr., the realization of what true love really is finally dawns on him. Almost instantly, he is gripped by a huge anxiety and a fear of it slipping away from him. In a dramatic gesture possible only in light romantic comedies, he drops everything and rushes to his beloved and then comes up with a truly momentous statement 'You complete me'! The collective sigh let out by the female part of the audience was almost palpable. It was almost as if that single sigh epitomized an age-old yearning for something or someone that would make them whole. They all seemed to have that oh-finally-someone-who-understands-look too.

Countless women reacted to that scene with equal intensity, as well as a few men, although the latter would probably sooner die than own up to it. Whilst cynics were quick to discount it for being too mellifluous, I think it was quite simply fatally untrue. Fatally attractive members of the preferred sex tend to keep us in a state of constant anticipation which is actually, a form of displeasure. Fatal convictions, on the other hand, make us knock on the wrong doors over and over again, perpetually looking for something which is in fact, non-existent.

It is a fact that there has never been any one person in the whole history of mankind who has been made whole and complete by a partner. Why then do we still believe it's a possibility? Why is this belief so widespread? The answer is actually quite simple – we believe in the existence of the feelings of wholeness and completeness and romantic love appears to be the most likely candidate for providing them. In a culture that teaches us to look for fulfilment only in the outside world, the idea that the feeling of completeness should be delivered by somebody else makes perfect sense.

What is this all about? Certain things can only be provided and created by our own inner self. Such as – a lasting feeling of self-worth, a sense of purpose and the fulfilment of true love…. Like with many other things, we cannot look to others to provide them unless we already feel them with an absolute certainty deep within our own self. Even if another person were to offer these feelings to us we would either need constant replenishment and keep coming back for more or else would be unable to allow that person to remain a part of our life. It would be like trying to fill a bottomless pit for years and then wonder why it's still empty after all that time.

I know a lot of people who keep harking after their parents' approval and acceptance even in their fifties and since the parents are unable to accept them for who they really are, this leaves them feeling incomplete and unacknowledged. For the most part, parents fail to teach us that we are fine just as we are; so we tend to seek this sort of approval elsewhere. We expect it to be provided by our partners, children, friends, colleagues or bosses. Who we expect it from makes no difference, for as long as we keep wandering blindly from one person to the next without ever stopping to look in the mirror, all these assorted attempts are doomed to failure anyway. It makes no sense to expect other people to provide something if it is a task which is not up to them. Since people mostly tend to look to their partners to provide them with a sense of completeness and thus impose wrong expectations upon them, the focus of today shall mostly be on that.

Let's begin by considering the notion of a soul mate. The underlying idea is that each and every one of us is supposed to have a soul mate with whom we experience bliss and total fulfilment. When we cross paths with that person our respective universes come together in our very own Big Bang. As of that moment, love rules supreme and nothing can ever be the same again. We shall never again feel unloved, unseen, misunderstood – our `other half` shall have the answers to all our questions and shall meet all our needs. If only every single one of us could have their own special Tommy.

Now that we have dealt with the fairy tale bit we can move on to the real world. It goes without saying that this whole idea of soulmates has nothing to do with the real world. The only soul mate we can ever hope to have is our own inner self. You yourself are the only person capable of engendering that coveted sense of completeness and purpose. Unless we are already in possession of a full awareness of our own inner beauty as well as the beauty of the world around us, no other person can make us see any of it! It's as if it didn't even exist! The sooner we accept that, the sooner we can start looking for the right things in the right places. Of course, that does not mean we cannot have meaningful relationship with someone. It just means it is not their role to make us fell complete.

Besides, haven't you had enough of tugging at other people's sleeves and asking them for things they cannot and should not give? Since this strategy doesn't seem to be working, wouldn't it be best to change it? Or would you rather spend a few more years on a fruitless quest for appreciation from people who cannot even appreciate themselves and for love from those who do not even love themselves…. Do you see the common denominator here? Asking others to give you something they are unable to give and which is not theirs to give in the first place, is like applying for a loan from a bank which has just declared bankruptcy. Another of Tom's films springs to mind here - `Mission Impossible`. The problem is not that other people don't want to give you their love or that you are undeserving of love and acclaim, it's just that you go looking for it in all the wrong places. Bear this in mind, whenever you demand from your parents to understand you and expect your partner to praise you.

Making you feel complete as a person is not up to other people. That task is yours and yours only. You are your own soulmate! You are the essential force that influences and determines the course of your life. If you need your partner to provide praise and a sense of appreciation and acceptance and you feel they are failing to do so, there's only one possible conclusion.

The failure to provide praise and offer acceptance and appreciation for who you are is once again, your own. For as long as you do not appreciate and accept yourself, no other person can possibly fill that void! That's not the way it works. Moreover, it is precisely for this reason that even at times when you are praised and offered appreciation and acceptance, that lovely warm glow of satisfaction never lasts, right? More often than not, it just seems to peter out and it is not long before that familiar hungry monster within rears its ugly head yet again, demanding ever more recognition, acknowledgement, approval etc….

Even once you have been given what your heart desires, you are still not satisfied. This is because you must be the first to fulfil your own desires. You must build a relationship with yourself; a relationship within which you can learn about self-acceptance and self-love. You must try to find a way to and understand your true self. Only then, will you no longer feel the need for other people to fill your inner void, for there will be no void. The irony of the matter is that it is only once you stop looking for other people to fill your inner void that you shall start meeting people who can truly appreciate and celebrate who you are. By celebrating the fullness of your being, you shall invite them into your life. And the fact that they will no longer be expected to fulfil the Sisyphean task of filling your inner void does not mean that you'll enjoy their presence in your life any the less. On the contrary – only then will you be able to truly enjoy having them as a part of your life, since you will no longer insist on or indeed need to cast them in unsuitable and impossible roles. You will have turned into an independent and mature person who takes pleasure in their own beauty and the beauty of others. Can you imagine what a wonderful love affair that is? To create it, you must first start by recognizing your own lovingness!